Table of Contents
           
GETTING THE MOST FROM MAKING DIVORCE WORK
   
1
A Divorce That Works

Creating your Divorce Mission Statement
1
2   Why Marriages End
  • Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
  • Turning
  • Accepting Responsibility
  • Unmet Needs
  • Starting Your New Life
 
11
3   The 8 Keys to Resolving Family Conflict
  • Be Hard on the Problem, Not on the People
  • Listening is not Obeying
  • I Statements
  • Benefit of the Doubt
  • Awkward Conversations
  • Life is a Dialogue
  • Would I Rather be Happy or Right?
  • Be Easy to Talk to
 
39
4   The 8 Peace Practices
  • Breathing Exercise
  • Anchoring Technique
  • De-Escalating Techniques
  • Self Care
  • Challenging a Thought
  • Dismissing a Thought
  • 10-10-10 Rule
  • Your Divorce Story
 
53
5   Set Your Emotional GPS to Goodness
  • How to Set your GPS
  • Overcoming Obstacles to Peace
  • How to Stop Fighting
 
75
6   What You Want Now
  • Emotional Readiness
  • Keeping it Real
  • Creating your Vision
 
99
7   Walk Your Talk
  • Make a Bigger Pie
  • Avoiding Drama & Distraction
 
135
8   Grieving the Loss of Your Marriage
  • Your Own Feelings about Divorce
  • Dealing with the Stages of Grief
 
165
9   Forgiveness and Acceptance
  • The Blame Game
  • A Gift You Give Yourself
  • Gratitude
 
189
10   Negotiating Your Settlement        
  • 3 Types of Divorce Disputes
  • How to Decide What you Want
  • How to Get What you Want
 
205
11   New Beginnings

Your New Mission Statement
 
231
       
RESOURCES  
241
ACKNOWLEDGMENTS  
243
INDEX  
245
 

Excerpt from Chapter 1

A Divorce That Works
You can create peace on earth, one family at a time.
óDiana Mercer and Katie Jane Wennechuk

What This Book Will Do for You

This book will change the way you think about divorce. You can get divorced without ruining your life. We know that sounds improbable, if not impossible, but we can show you how to dissolve your marriage and move on without losing your shirt or your sanityóand emerge a better person.

The divorce rate among recent first marriages is 67 percent.That is two out of three couples! So isnít it about time we stopped scorching the earth using lawyers and courts as weapons and found a better way to say good-bye?

Rather than see it as something that will destroy your family, your divorce can be a way to redefine and rebuild your family and improve your quality of life. Living in a bad marriage is horrible. Otherwise, you wouldnít have decided to divorce. And even if you didnít initiate your divorce, you know in your heart that you deserve to be married to someone who wants to be married to you, not someone whoís staying around because he feels guilty about leaving. We have all seen the dark side of divorce, but it doesnít have to be that way. By using what you learn in this book, you can be part of the solution.

Peaceful divorce sounds like an oxymoron, but itís a concept whose time has come. People have started to figure out that divorce does not have to be bitter, nasty, and punitive. Many couples are looking for ways to end the ďhome wreckonomicsĒ approach to divorcing. The legal field is slowly rising to meet this demand with mediation and collaborative law, but you can have a peaceful divorce that redefines your family without relying on lawyers or the legal system to provide the answers for you. Quality legal and financial advice can be useful, but you donít need a lawyer to teach you how to keep peace in your family and resolve conflicts. If you have the will, this book will give you many ways. You can look at conflict as an opportunity to fix things that needed fixing and to change things that needed to be changed, not as a negative experience to be avoided.

Divorce is one solution to living in an unhappy, unfulfilling marriage. But your divorce doesnít begin and end with the legal process. Itís going to change your life, and youíre in control of how itís going to do that. The choices you make will define what your life looks like afterward. Scary, yes. But itís also okay to allow yourself to look at this time in your life as a new adventure. If you are divorcing so you can be happier, itís okay to start being happy now and find some bittersweet joy in your decision to let each other go. If youíre divorcing because your spouse wants to get divorced, itís important to learn from what went wrong and to make the best of the situation.

This book will teach you everything you need to know to renegotiate and redefine your relationship with your spouse, put an end to unproductive arguments and behaviors, negotiate a fair, win-win settlement and move on from your marriage happy, healthy and whole.

You will learn:

  • How to create a divorce mission statement
  • Why marriages end and why yours ended
  • 8 simple tools to resolve family conflict
  • 8 ways to keep yourself sane no matter what
  • How to set your personal GPS to goodness and keep it there
  • How to figure out what you want and how to get it
  • How to walk your talk all the time
  • How to grieve the end of your marriage
  • How to forgive yourself and your spouse and accept your divorce
  • How to negotiate successfully to get what you want and what you need
  • How to come out of your divorce a better person

You can do this. This isnít rocket science and it isnít magic. A lot of it is simply common sense. The key is you have to do it. No one is coming to save youóexcept for you.

The good news is that if you keep using what you learn in this book throughout your divorce and in your new life afterward, you will be happier than you are today. Your children will be better off and may even tell you they understand why you divorced. You will comprehend and be at peace with the money and property you receive in your settlement. You wonít cling to long-standing grudges. You will have insight and peacemaking skills that will prepare you to be more successful in your next relationship. You will be ready to love again.

At the end of your divorce, you will be proud of how you handled it. Youíll be proud that you served as a role model for your children and your community. Youíll have the satisfaction of knowing that youíve done the right thing, behaved in line with your values and made the best of an unfortunate situation . . . contrasted with others who instead choose fighting for the sake of fighting, taking the low road, and then realizing the price of all of that too late.

Together, we can change the course of how divorce is handled in our culture. Itís time for peaceful divorce to be the new status quo. If you help pave the way, everyone who divorces will have an easier go of it. Imagine how much family grief could be eliminated if dissolving a marriage meant keeping the peace and embracing the change rather than tearing families apart.

The first step is to decide what you want at the end of this process and to spell it out. Youíll need to set goals at the outset so youíll be able to stay on course when things arenít going your way. There will be temptation to behave badly during your divorce. Your mission statement will keep you focused.


 
     
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